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theblackspiderman
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Name: Spidey
Country: United States
State: Pennsylvania
Metro: Philadelphia
Gender: Male
Interests: WRITING WRITING AND MORE WRITING. Also: friends, Philadelphia, Sports, sticking it to the man, kissing in the rain, giving out good advice, giving someone a high five, little kids hugging your legs, and making memories.
Expertise: Fixing things. Any kind of things. Educating, writing, advice, freestyling, reading out loud, being nice, sports
Occupation: Computer related, unless you w
Industry: I'm in da streets.
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  MisterHygiene
MSN: MisterHygiene
Yahoo:  MisterHygiene
Member Since:
10/15/2004
 True  Premium
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|  Happy Thanksgiving from the bottom of my heart, xanga. ...and happy birthday to me...and Dan. | | |
| If you've read my blogs for a bit, you probably know that I'm a big kid. A child of the 80's and PROUD of it.
I saw the original Transformers: The Movie...in 1986. Then bought the VHS tape and watched it till I memorized it.
...and it was awesome. It didn't even need Megan Fox.
What else was awesome was being part of the original Nintendo generation. You name the game, I probably played it and beat it.
One of my favorite parts of old-school gaming?
CHEAT CODES.
Almost every game it seemed like then had some sort of cool little easter egg that the programmers built in. When you got your fresh issue of Nintendo Power...you skipped RIGHT to the section with the codes. The internet was still a glimmer in Al Gore's eye, so obviously there wasn't anywhere else you could get codes...at least until other video game magazines started becoming more published.
 If you were an 80's kid, this was your manual for LIFE.While I could wax nostalgic on and on about the wonder that was 8-Bit Nintendo, I'm gonna put that on a memory card and save it. I'm here to drop some knowledge like a teacher with small hands. I'm going to teach you girls how to push your man's buttons...yup. GIRLFRIEND CHEAT CODES. Instead of that hard level grind from "friend" to "girlfriend" and "girlfriend" to "wifey", I'm gonna give you these secret hints...cheat codes, for our purposes here - to make this a quicker transition. So he's saying to himself: "I DO LIKE IT AND I'M GONNA PUT A RING ON IT."
Disclaimer: These cheat codes are highly effective - so make absolutely sure that he is THE ONE you want to marry. I will not be held responsible for your marriage to a lazy bum who can't figure out how to defrost chicken in the microwave, nor will I appear in divorce court and testify to ANYTHING.
Cheat Code #1:
Hospitality hotness
Hospitality is a dying art. Anyone can watch Rachel Ray or Martha Stewart and know HOW to make a 18-layer hoagie dip, or thrice-marinated wings - but how many women left actually invite people over to entertain for the purpose of building friendships and being hospitable?
When a guy can invite his friends over, and his lady treats them well - that is major bonus points. Maintaining friendships is important to a guy, and it means a lot when his lady shows her care by taking part in his socializing with friends.
For example: if a guy likes to have poker/video game/football game nights with his boys - instead of just telling him "go do whatever it is you men do" - Suggest that you host it at your place, and then offer to set up the food/snacks.
When he and his friends see the effort you put into making sure they're happy, it'll put you that much closer to winning your own personal version of "The Bachelor."
Cheat Code #2:
Special Delivery
You've seen Clerks, right? I believe Silent Bob's only line is: "Man, there are a million fine girls in the world, but not all of them bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you. "
Women who will cook for you are great, but a woman who will cook for you and bring it to your place of work? That's downright amazing. Even if you like your job, there is nothing quite like seeing the object of your affections show up with delicious homemade vittles. It makes your whole week - and makes your co-workers envious. It's the male equivalent of sending her flowers to her desk.
Cheat Code #3:
Recovery Boost
Guys are not like computers, they're more like calculators. That is, one function at a time. Not that they can't solve problems effectively, but most of them prefer not to handle more than one at a time.
For this cheat, all you need to know is that when a guy is off of work, he needs a bit of time to recover from solving those problem before he'll feel comfortable helping you tackle yours.
That one-two hour window of him returning from home is the time a man is most craving relaxation. We want to be the person you can count on the most, but after just solving the world's problems at work, it can be hard for us to focus on your issue with your gassy co-worker who is telling everyone else at work "whoever smelt it, dealt it."
I bet most fights occur during that time directly after work, so give guys a little time to chill post-work before you have important "talks" with him. If you can, try and talk to another girlfriend about it first. It'll do wonders for your relationship.
Cheat Code #4
Calvin and Hobbies
Guys love their hobbies. Not as much as they love their girlfriends(hopefully), but they do love their hobbies. Whether it's car building, beer brewing, watching sports, vampire hunting, playing video games, or rollerblading.
Just kidding, no guys love rollerblading.
To that end, what's better than doing your hobby with a person you can make out with after? Or during!?!?!
I can't think of anything right now.
Once you find out what your man likes, give it a try. If you absolutely hate it, then try something else he likes - eventually you should be able to find a hobby that you both can enjoy.
Cheat Code #5
Endorse and Encourage
When you're with someone you love, ultimately they make you want to be a better person. But change and improvement isn't like Mario finding a mushroom and BAM! now he's Super Mario. It takes time to grow. While he's doing his metamorphasis from Clark Kent to Superman, he's going to need plenty of encouragement and support. Constructive criticism is helpful, but it doesn't equate to a good dose of genuine encouragement. If he has dreams, support them - and if he's having a rough time with things, let him know that you still think he's awesome.
There's a reason that sports teams with great fan bases usually perform well.
Think you've got all that? Well then...
 I'm out like Freddie Prinze Jr's acting career. Current mood: | | |
| Does anyone remember that game?
 Classic.
So I happened to notice I've garnered a truckload of new subscribers since I made my comeback a few months ago.
Always cool.
But like any new thing you happen to pick up on, often you have to go back and read or watch the earlier episodes to fully appreciate it, ya know? You can't just start watch Heroes in Season 3 without going back to find out who's who's, what's what, and how's how?
How now?
Why ask why?
...Try Bud Dry?
 Best lawn piece ever?
Anyhoo, as a public service...cause I'm stand-up guy - I'm gonna hook you up with some links to my greatest "hits" so to speak. Besides, who likes searching through blogs? That's much too much like playing Minesweeper...
 "This is so LAME...FML."
...and who wants to do that?
Oh, and don't listen to anyone who says I'm a sit-down guy. That's like, rare. I'm stand-up, I promise.
First off, my relationship-centric blogs; what I believe to be my for-tay. Ahem, forté.
Hopefully you, or someone else may benefit from this rousing trip to advicetown.
The Happy Boyfriend Checklist - We're not that complicated...but here's what we do like...
The Happy Girlfriend Checklist (featured) - Demystifying women, one blog at a time.
Relationship Sabotage! - Want to ruin your relationship? Here's how. (featuring Ninjas!)
Classic Breakup Lines - It's not you, really.
Date Better, part 1 - How to Up-date, if you will.
Adventures in Speed Dating - Part One , Part Two - Ever wondered what speed dating was really like? Read up.
The Seven Guys You'll Date - The usual suspects.
How to Correctly Apologize - Cause a lot of you are doing it wrong.
The Seven Girls You'll Meet (featured) - Which kind might you be?
How to Get a Date: Nerd Edition - (requested) Nerds sometimes need a little help...I'm your Hitch.
How to Get a Midnight Kiss on New Years (requested)- Don't ring in a new year without a smootch!
What's she doing with HIM? - I explain why some women date who they do.
Ed. I can't remember if this was featured or not. I think it was.
Flirting 101 - An essential skill, in my opinion.
How to KEEP a guy in 10 days (featured) - Much more entertaining than a movie with Matthew McConaughey.
Pick up the pieces! - Get over that breakup already.
50 Worst Dates (featured) - Not actually fifty, but you get the point.
Real-ations - Part 1, Part 2 - Breaking down how relationships work.
The Game Killers - Don't try to meet the opposite sex with these people in tow.
How to drive a girl absolutely WILD (featured) - Little tips that make girls happy.
Avoid the FRIEND ZONE - Much less fun than Discovery Zone. (originally guest posted for Nick)
Dr. Fakenstein - Wanna know what makes guys "players"?
The Relationship Rules - You'll like this entry, especially if you like C.A.K.E.
The "F" Word - you know...I just wanna be "Friends". Here's how you tell 'em.
Posted Secrets - Things you might not know that girls and guys like.
Where To Meet a "Good Guy." - They're out there somewhere...
What to talk about on a first date - Cause no one wants to come off like a dork.
Things NEVER to say to a woman - Don't play with fire.
For those of you who need relationship advice like Kim Kardashian needs butt implants, check these other ones out...they're some of my favorites.
So You Wanna Be a Nerd? (featured) - One of my most popular posts ever. I may write an updated version soon.
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People...Pokemon Trainers (featured)
The Five Ninjas You Meet Who Send YOU to Heaven - Cause Ninjas are awesome, I mean ... come on.
LOL-ympics (featured) - My LOL take on the Bejing Olympics...also my most heavily trafficked post, including features on Capcom.com and Geekadelphia.com
Are You That...Guy? (featured) Girl? Christian? Couple? - Some popular, fun entries for you to check how you measure up.
Spidey's Guide on How to Survive High School
LOLXanga Part One : Part Two - If you like LOLcats, you might like these, featuring some popular(and some AWOL) xangans.
Welcome to the Jungle (Gym) - If you go to a gym on the regular at all, you might recognize these species.
Xangsta's Fo' Lyfe! (featured) - Life on the mean streets of Xanga is tough, join the gang.
Oh, and before I bounce outta here...I might as well tell you to follow me on Twitter...I mean, why would you want to miss out on updates like these?
@mrhygiene - This is NOT a pillowcase, this is a SHAM.
@mrhygiene - White guys in dreads should only be seen in movie roles as a bumbling sidekick or minion.
@mrhygiene - I never see tall guys work out. As a matter of fact, it seems the shorter you are, the more you lift...Compensating for height?
@mrhygiene - I just walked past neil patrick harris. I resisted the urge to call him barney or doogie and high five him
@mrhygiene - Is it weird that when i hear rock songs now i think to myself: "man, i bet that would be really hard on guitar hero."
@mrhygiene - I just saw two black news anchors do a fist bump. I love philadelphia.
What is you waiting for? Follow me @ twitter.com/mrhygiene
Alright party people, I'm outta here. Actual posts soon, I promise. I'm out like cheese at Steve Urkel's house.
Current mood:
Editors note: While I never ask for recommends, a lot of those posts were written pre-recommend era, so if you see something you like, let someone know - ya dig?
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| Some women seem to think guys are complicated.
This is not exactly true, we just like a few things...done well. If a guy is coming off as "complicated", make sure you're - A: not dating twins without noticing B: he is taking his schizophrenia medication regularly or C: you're most likely reading between lines that don't exist.
Henceforth, this checklist has many points; but you really only need points A through E to keep him happy.
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| (a) Look your best for him |
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| (b) Feed / cook for him |
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| (c) Give him space / time to spend with his friends |
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| (d) Be affectionate** |
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| (e) Let him have his hobbies |
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| Encourge him to lead / be flexible |
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| Help him relax |
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| Hold his arm when you walk |
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Make a good impression on his friends
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| Don't talk about guys in front of him |
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| Surprise him with food |
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| Play video games / sports with him |
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| Never badmouth his mother |
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Make him feel like you want him, not that you need him |
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| Let him watch the game uninteruppted, or watch it together |
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| Give him gentle reminders |
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| Massage his neck, shoulders, arms, and hands |
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| Try not to sweat the small stuff |
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| Let him help when he offers |
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Act classy, not trashy (especially when out with friends)
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**you know what I mean when I say "affectionate"
Like the last list, the frequency of some of these can be adjusted as well...I mean, almost all guys like to be fed as much as possible.
Alright Mathletes, break out that abacus and count up those brownies...
Score: 1-3 of A through E: 
4-5 of A through E: 
A-E, and up to 10 points: 
A-E; 11-20 points:
A-E; 21+ points(!!):
Guys, if you have any incarnation of a gold star girlfriend and have a job? You'd better wrap her up like Christmas presents, she's a keeper.
If she's two or three gold stars? I suggest you comment on this blog, then close this page and start browsing wedding ring websites. Seriously, that Entourage DVD box set, and new iPhone can wait. Start saving for a rock. A big one, she deserves it. No heart shaped diamonds though, I will punch you. Princess-cut is a decent fallback.
So ladies: What's YOUR score?
Current mood:
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| Another entry?!?
Oh yes. You haven't seen anyone strike back like this since the Empire, Jay & Silent Bob, OR the O.C. Supertones.
So I'm taking a break from eating these chips and guacamole to bring you some more writing that's more fun than a drunken baby and more educational than Yo Gabba Gabba.
Which kind of sounds like a Spanish Hip Hop group from Philadelphia, or something Rocky would say to a woman who talks a lot...not a kids' show.
I digress.
So you have/want/dream of/will soon have a girlfriend/wife/mistress on the side that you like a lot.
Problem is, women often don't communicate as to exactly what they want - which leaves you either A: completely bewildered and doing the wrong thing, or B: So confused it leads to paralyzation...and you do nothing...letting the relationship just "happen."
Hours/Days/Weeks/Months/Years/Decades later, she tells you she's not happy.
...How were you supposed to know? She never said anything!
WELL NOW YOU CAN KNOW, cause your boy Spidey has your back like superhero capes.
I present to you:
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| Tell her how beautiful she is |
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| Pay for dinner |
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| Take her someplace new |
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| Take her on a picnic |
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| Help around the house |
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| Buy her flowers or a card, just because |
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| Be affectionate to her in public - at least hold hands :) |
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| Remember birthdays and anniversaries |
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| Listen to her intently |
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| Make plans in advance |
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| Compliment her sincerely |
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| Clean up / offer to clean up |
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| Leave/send them handwritten notes |
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| Arrive/Be ready on time |
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| Cook for her |
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Be patient with her
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| Take her on a day trip |
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| Make an effort to look good |
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| Kiss her gently on the forehead and chin |
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| Learn what her favorite things are |
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| Surprise her with food |
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| Let her pick the movie |
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Take her somewhere she can
dress up |
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| Comfort her when she's worried |
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| Listen to her problems |
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| Dance with her, with or without music |
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| Make gentlemanly gestures (open doors, pull out chairs, etc.) |
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| Call when you say you will |
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Be a leader |
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| Fix things. Any kind of thing. |
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| Never, ever lie |
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Alright, now it's time for your favorite part, nerds. MATH. There are 44 brownie points in total, so count how many you've managed to earn. Obviously, the more points...the happier the girlfriend/wife. We don't care for letter grades here at The Weapon of Mass Instruction; but we do love the kindergarten-style STAR-POWER display. Score: 1 to 14 =  15 to 25 =  26 to 36 =  36 + =
I'm not even going to tell you what to do if he's got less than 10 brownie points... *CoughUchDUMPhim!coughAck*!
Sorry, allergies.
Guys, even if you don't have a girlfriend - try and work on those highly coveted boyfriend skillz. The "Z" on the end of skill is how we know it's serious business.
Feel free to put that checklist on your fridge with actual gold star stickers. That would make my day life.
I'm out like shoulders in a tube top.
Current mood:
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