| | Being the relationship guru that I am, I usually can tell when people are about to break up way before Facebook tells me.
By the way, I think your "it's complicated" status is dumb. Be in a relationship or don't. Complicated is trying to figure out if you want chicken-fried steak, or steak-grilled chicken. You should know what's going on in your own relationship.
Like I was saying though, a lot of people start to ruin their relationships without even being aware of it - and before they know it, they're eating pints of Ben and Jerry's, watching "Untamed Heart" and playing "Gone" by N'Sync.
I can't let you live your life like that, so I've contacted my half-brothers(who happen to be Ninjas) to help me explain the art of sabotage in a relationship. After all, who better to teach sabotage? Or espionage? Or decoupage?
Okay, maybe not decoupage.
 I know, I know. You think your SO is the bee's knees. The cat's pajamas. The Chewbacca or..Chewbecca? To your formerly Han Solo act. But listen, if you do not understand the importance of time for them to chill with their good friends - you'll end up getting resented by your SO, and hated by their group of friends. This is the beginning of the end...of some thing. Either your friendships, or your relationship - because your friends WILL try to break up that relationship. No reason you can't have both...just respect the friends.  "The Lauren/Heidi rift, one of nature's most vicious examples of destruction." This tactic might seem to be somewhat contradictory to the last one, but examine it closely before you close your browser, storm off in a heat, and have to drink a milkshake and do a Michael Phelps impression to calm yourself down.
I mean go swimming. Duh.
The opposite sex best friend presents a unique challenge to the blossoming relationship.
Why? Two reasons: 1. Nine times out of ten, your opposite sex best friend will not see your new lovebug as "good enough for you."
"Well...they're just looking out for me."
Right, of course. But ninjas know when someone isn't being real, and often, that Opposite se...OSBF feels that way because THEY have feelings for you. Unrequited love...or at least serious "like" is a powerful motivator.
2. The OSBF will make your boy or girlfriend uncomfortable, whether they admit it or not. I don't care if you're cooler than Batman drinking a pina colada slurpee...the OSBF will give you heartburn. So if you're going to be in a serious relationship, let that OSBF know that you'll have to hang out with them a little less in the future, out of respect for your actual boyfriend or girlfriend.
 It doesn't matter how big of a crush you have on your sweetheart, there will almost always be something about them that you don't "get.""Why do you watch sports so much? It's just a game.""Why do you have a blog that you write in so often? Do people even read it?""Why do you need so many shoes? You already don't wear the ones you have.""Why do you eat so much raisin bread? Pumpernickel is just as good.""How come you like comics so much? You're a grown man."Stop. Stop. Stop. Don't worry about why they enjoy those things so much...unless it really affects your relationship negatively...for example, playing videogames for 48 hours straight...or buying shoes before she pays her rent. Let them have those things they like - and avoid getting on them about it. Want to earn BONUS cool points? Ask them why they like it, and try to appreciate it with them. Playing videogames with your girlfriend is something every guy thinks is awesome...and guys, who knows - you might enjoy musicals...or raisin bread.  Remember when you first started dating? You were at the gym four times a week...you brought her flowers just because...you took her to new places for new cuisine...you cooked for him and brought it to his job? Now eight months in; you've put on 20 pounds of fat, all you do is go to the movies, go to Outback Steakhouse twice a month, and watch "So You Think You Can Dance" on Wednesdays. Boorrreeee-ing. Not that there doesn't automatically come a level of "comfort" with a relationship the longer you're in it...but if you wanna keep that relationship minty fresh, you should put effort into how you relate to them. Actively court them, even if you're already "in love."  Everyone needs a "push" or at the very least, some gentle encouragement from time to time. What they do not need, or want, is someone who makes them feel like you are constantly giving orders, and can't escape your plethora of "suggestions."
It might be cute at first to hear "baby can you (insert chore/job/item to buy) for me?" But after a while, it ceases to be a labor of love, and just turns into a labor of ... well, just regular old terrible labor.
Your SO should always be a resource for you...but NOT a bailout. Your name is not AIG, and you need to learn independence. This goes for men too, I've seen you lazy bums hit up your girlfriends for money all too often.
Get it together - while a relationship should have absolutely have sidekickability, you each need to be your own superheroes.
...On the other hand...maybe you WANT to sabotage your relationship so you can escape. No problem, just try #6.
 Trust us, Ninjas know assassinations. Need to break out of that black hole death trap of a relationship? Just show them that you are willing to take their life without a second thought. Don't just do the obvious, easy thing like grabbing a butcher knife or frying pan off of the counter. I'm talking about leaving websites up on how to plant a car bomb, getting out the rat poison and leaving it on the counter when you're making dinner, and saying things like "you know where would be a good place to stash a dead body?" If they don't get the hints...or you're too unsure that you can't swing a ninja sword without taking out a vital organ...just hire us...Spidey knows our number. We're out like the Atkins diet. Current mood: |
| | Posted 6/6/2009 10:23 AM - 845 Views - 122 eProps - 67 comments
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