theblackspiderman's Xanga

Girlfriend Cheat Codes

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:12:44 GMT

If you've read my blogs for a bit, you probably know that I'm a big kid. A child of the 80's and PROUD of it.

I saw the original Transformers: The Movie...in 1986. Then bought the VHS tape and watched it till I memorized it.

...and it was awesome. It didn't even need Megan Fox.

What else was awesome was being part of the original Nintendo generation. You name the game, I probably played it and beat it.

One of my favorite parts of old-school gaming?

CHEAT CODES.

Almost every game it seemed like then had some sort of cool little easter egg that the programmers built in. When you got your fresh issue of Nintendo Power...you skipped RIGHT to the section with the codes. The internet was still a glimmer in Al Gore's eye, so obviously there wasn't anywhere else you could get codes...at least until other video game magazines started becoming more published.

If you were an 80's kid, this was your manual for LIFE.

While I could wax nostalgic on and on about the wonder that was 8-Bit Nintendo, I'm gonna put that on a memory card and save it.

I'm here to drop some knowledge like a teacher with small hands. I'm going to teach you girls how to push your man's buttons...yup.

GIRLFRIEND CHEAT CODES.

Instead of that hard level grind from "friend" to "girlfriend" and "girlfriend" to "wifey", I'm gonna give you these secret hints...cheat codes, for our purposes here - to make this a quicker transition. So he's saying to himself: "I DO LIKE IT AND I'M GONNA PUT A RING ON IT."

Disclaimer: These cheat codes are highly effective - so make absolutely sure that he is THE ONE you want to marry. I will not be held responsible for your marriage to a lazy bum who can't figure out how to defrost chicken in the microwave, nor will I appear in divorce court and testify to ANYTHING.

Cheat Code #1:
Hospitality hotness

Hospitality is a dying art. Anyone can watch Rachel Ray or Martha Stewart and know HOW to make a 18-layer hoagie dip, or thrice-marinated wings - but how many women left actually invite people over to entertain for the purpose of building friendships and being hospitable?

When a guy can invite his friends over, and his lady treats them well - that is major bonus points. Maintaining friendships is important to a guy, and it means a lot when his lady shows her care by taking part in his socializing with friends.

For example: if a guy likes to have poker/video game/football game nights with his boys - instead of just telling him "go do whatever it is you men do" - Suggest that you host it at your place, and then offer to set up the food/snacks.

When he and his friends see the effort you put into making sure they're happy, it'll put you that much closer to winning your own personal version of "The Bachelor."

Cheat Code #2:
Special Delivery

You've seen Clerks, right? I believe Silent Bob's only line is: "Man, there are a million fine girls in the world, but not all of them bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you. "

Women who will cook for you are great, but a woman who will cook for you and bring it to your place of work? That's downright amazing. Even if you like your job, there is nothing quite like seeing the object of your affections show up with delicious homemade vittles. It makes your whole week - and makes your co-workers envious. It's the male equivalent of sending her flowers to her desk.

Cheat Code #3:
Recovery Boost

Guys are not like computers, they're more like calculators. That is, one function at a time. Not that they can't solve problems effectively, but most of them prefer not to handle more than one at a time.
For this cheat, all you need to know is that when a guy is off of work, he needs a bit of time to recover from solving those problem before he'll feel comfortable helping you tackle yours.

That one-two hour window of him returning from home is the time a man is most craving relaxation. We want to be the person you can count on the most, but after just solving the world's problems at work, it can be hard for us to focus on your issue with your gassy co-worker who is telling everyone else at work "whoever smelt it, dealt it."

I bet most fights occur during that time directly after work, so give guys a little time to chill post-work before you have important "talks" with him. If you can, try and talk to another girlfriend about it first. It'll do wonders for your relationship.

Cheat Code #4
Calvin and Hobbies

Guys love their hobbies. Not as much as they love their girlfriends(hopefully), but they do love their hobbies. Whether it's car building, beer brewing, watching sports, vampire hunting, playing video games, or rollerblading.

Just kidding, no guys love rollerblading.

To that end, what's better than doing your hobby with a person you can make out with after? Or during!?!?!

I can't think of anything right now.

Once you find out what your man likes, give it a try. If you absolutely hate it, then try something else he likes - eventually you should be able to find a hobby that you both can enjoy.

Cheat Code #5
Endorse and Encourage

When you're with someone you love, ultimately they make you want to be a better person. But change and improvement isn't like Mario finding a mushroom and BAM! now he's Super Mario. It takes time to grow. While he's doing his metamorphasis from Clark Kent to Superman, he's going to need plenty of encouragement and support. Constructive criticism is helpful, but it doesn't equate to a good dose of genuine encouragement. If he has dreams, support them - and if he's having a rough time with things, let him know that you still think he's awesome.

There's a reason that sports teams with great fan bases usually perform well.

Think you've got all that? Well then...

I'm out like Freddie Prinze Jr's acting career.

Current mood:

The Adventures of Link(s)!

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 20:50:44 GMT

Does anyone remember that game?

Classic.

So I happened to notice I've garnered a truckload of new subscribers since I made my comeback a few months ago.

Always cool.

But like any new thing you happen to pick up on, often you have to go back and read or watch the earlier episodes to fully appreciate it, ya know? You can't just start watch Heroes in Season 3 without going back to find out who's who's, what's what, and how's how?

How now?
Why ask why?
...Try Bud Dry?

Best lawn piece ever?

Anyhoo, as a public service...cause I'm stand-up guy - I'm gonna hook you up with some links to my greatest "hits" so to speak. Besides, who likes searching through blogs? That's much too much like playing Minesweeper...

"This is so LAME...FML."

...and who wants to do that?

Oh, and don't listen to anyone who says I'm a sit-down guy. That's like, rare. I'm stand-up, I promise.

First off, my relationship-centric blogs; what I believe to be my for-tay. Ahem, forté.

Hopefully you, or someone else may benefit from this rousing trip to advicetown.

The Happy Boyfriend Checklist - We're not that complicated...but here's what we do like...

The Happy Girlfriend Checklist (featured) - Demystifying women, one blog at a time.

Relationship Sabotage! - Want to ruin your relationship? Here's how. (featuring Ninjas!)

Classic Breakup Lines - It's not you, really.

Date Better, part 1 - How to Up-date, if you will.

Adventures in Speed Dating - Part One , Part Two - Ever wondered what speed dating was really like? Read up.

The Seven Guys You'll Date - The usual suspects.

How to Correctly Apologize - Cause a lot of you are doing it wrong.

The Seven Girls You'll Meet (featured) - Which kind might you be?

How to Get a Date: Nerd Edition - (requested) Nerds sometimes need a little help...I'm your Hitch.

How to Get a Midnight Kiss on New Years (requested)- Don't ring in a new year without a smootch!

What's she doing with HIM? - I explain why some women date who they do.
Ed. I can't remember if this was featured or not. I think it was.

Flirting 101 - An essential skill, in my opinion.

How to KEEP a guy in 10 days (featured) - Much more entertaining than a movie with Matthew McConaughey.

Pick up the pieces! - Get over that breakup already.

50 Worst Dates (featured) - Not actually fifty, but you get the point.

Real-ations - Part 1, Part 2 - Breaking down how relationships work.

The Game Killers - Don't try to meet the opposite sex with these people in tow.

How to drive a girl absolutely WILD (featured) - Little tips that make girls happy.

Avoid the FRIEND ZONE - Much less fun than Discovery Zone. (originally guest posted for Nick)

Dr. Fakenstein - Wanna know what makes guys "players"?

The Relationship Rules - You'll like this entry, especially if you like C.A.K.E.

The "F" Word - you know...I just wanna be "Friends". Here's how you tell 'em.

Posted Secrets - Things you might not know that girls and guys like.

Where To Meet a "Good Guy." - They're out there somewhere...

What to talk about on a first date - Cause no one wants to come off like a dork.

Things NEVER to say to a woman - Don't play with fire.

For those of you who need relationship advice like Kim Kardashian needs butt implants, check these other ones out...they're some of my favorites.

So You Wanna Be a Nerd? (featured) - One of my most popular posts ever. I may write an updated version soon.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People...Pokemon Trainers (featured)

The Five Ninjas You Meet Who Send YOU to Heaven - Cause Ninjas are awesome, I mean ... come on.

LOL-ympics (featured) - My LOL take on the Bejing Olympics...also my most heavily trafficked post, including features on Capcom.com and Geekadelphia.com

Are You That...Guy? (featured) Girl? Christian? Couple? - Some popular, fun entries for you to check how you measure up.

Spidey's Guide on How to Survive High School

LOLXanga Part One : Part Two - If you like LOLcats, you might like these, featuring some popular(and some AWOL) xangans.

Welcome to the Jungle (Gym) - If you go to a gym on the regular at all, you might recognize these species.

Xangsta's Fo' Lyfe! (featured) - Life on the mean streets of Xanga is tough, join the gang.

Oh, and before I bounce outta here...I might as well tell you to follow me on Twitter...I mean, why would you want to miss out on updates like these?

@mrhygiene - This is NOT a pillowcase, this is a SHAM.

@mrhygiene - White guys in dreads should only be seen in movie roles as a bumbling sidekick or minion.

@mrhygiene - I never see tall guys work out. As a matter of fact, it seems the shorter you are, the more you lift...Compensating for height?

@mrhygiene - I just walked past neil patrick harris. I resisted the urge to call him barney or doogie and high five him

@mrhygiene - Is it weird that when i hear rock songs now i think to myself: "man, i bet that would be really hard on guitar hero."

@mrhygiene - I just saw two black news anchors do a fist bump. I love philadelphia.

What is you waiting for? Follow me @ twitter.com/mrhygiene

Alright party people, I'm outta here. Actual posts soon, I promise. I'm out like cheese at Steve Urkel's house.

Current mood:

Editors note: While I never ask for recommends, a lot of those posts were written pre-recommend era, so if you see something you like, let someone know - ya dig?

The Happy Boyfriend Checklist!

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 11:45:45 GMT

Some women seem to think guys are complicated.

This is not exactly true, we just like a few things...done well. If a guy is coming off as "complicated", make sure you're - A: not dating twins without noticing B: he is taking his schizophrenia medication regularly or C: you're most likely reading between lines that don't exist.

Henceforth, this checklist has many points; but you really only need points A through E to keep him happy.


(a) Look your best for him
(b) Feed / cook for him
(c) Give him space / time to spend with his friends
(d) Be affectionate**
(e) Let him have his hobbies
Encourge him to lead / be flexible
Help him relax
Hold his arm when you walk
Make a good impression on his friends
Don't talk about guys in front of him
Surprise him with food
Play video games / sports with him
Never badmouth his mother
Make him feel like you want him, not that you need him
Let him watch the game uninteruppted, or watch it together
Give him gentle reminders
Massage his neck, shoulders, arms, and hands
Try not to sweat the small stuff
Let him help when he offers
Act classy, not trashy (especially when out with friends)

**you know what I mean when I say "affectionate"

Like the last list, the frequency of some of these can be adjusted as well...I mean, almost all guys like to be fed as much as possible.

Alright Mathletes, break out that abacus and count up those brownies...

Score: 1-3 of A through E:

4-5 of A through E:

A-E, and up to 10 points:

A-E; 11-20 points:

A-E; 21+ points(!!):

Guys, if you have any incarnation of a gold star girlfriend and have a job? You'd better wrap her up like Christmas presents, she's a keeper.

If she's two or three gold stars? I suggest you comment on this blog, then close this page and start browsing wedding ring websites. Seriously, that Entourage DVD box set, and new iPhone can wait. Start saving for a rock. A big one, she deserves it. No heart shaped diamonds though, I will punch you. Princess-cut is a decent fallback.

So ladies: What's YOUR score?

Current mood:

The Happy Girlfriend Checklist!

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:04:59 GMT

Another entry?!?

Oh yes. You haven't seen anyone strike back like this since the Empire, Jay & Silent Bob, OR the O.C. Supertones.

So I'm taking a break from eating these chips and guacamole to bring you some more writing that's more fun than a drunken baby and more educational than Yo Gabba Gabba.

Which kind of sounds like a Spanish Hip Hop group from Philadelphia, or something Rocky would say to a woman who talks a lot...not a kids' show.

I digress.

So you have/want/dream of/will soon have a girlfriend/wife/mistress on the side that you like a lot.

Problem is, women often don't communicate as to exactly what they want - which leaves you either A: completely bewildered and doing the wrong thing, or B: So confused it leads to paralyzation...and you do nothing...letting the relationship just "happen."

Hours/Days/Weeks/Months/Years/Decades later, she tells you she's not happy.

...How were you supposed to know? She never said anything!

WELL NOW YOU CAN KNOW, cause your boy Spidey has your back like superhero capes.

I present to you:


Tell her how beautiful she is
Pay for dinner
Take her someplace new
Take her on a picnic
Help around the house
Buy her flowers or a card, just because
Be affectionate to her in public - at least hold hands :)
Remember birthdays and anniversaries
Listen to her intently
Make plans in advance
Compliment her sincerely
Clean up / offer to clean up
Leave/send them handwritten notes
Arrive/Be ready on time
Cook for her
Be patient with her
Take her on a day trip
Make an effort to look good
Kiss her gently on the forehead and chin
Learn what her favorite things are
Surprise her with food
Let her pick the movie
Take her somewhere she can dress up
Comfort her when she's worried
Listen to her problems
Dance with her, with or without music
Make gentlemanly gestures (open doors, pull out chairs, etc.)
Call when you say you will
Be a leader
Fix things. Any kind of thing.
Never, ever lie

Alright, now it's time for your favorite part, nerds. MATH.

There are 44 brownie points in total, so count how many you've managed to earn. Obviously, the more points...the happier the girlfriend/wife.

We don't care for letter grades here at The Weapon of Mass Instruction; but we do love the kindergarten-style STAR-POWER display.

Score: 1 to 14 =
15 to 25 =
26 to 36 =
36 + =

Ladies, if you've got yourself a gold or (gasp!) TWO gold star man, do yourself a favor and don't take him for granted. Treat him like the rare find that he is.

I'm not even going to tell you what to do if he's got less than 10 brownie points... *CoughUchDUMPhim!coughAck*!

Sorry, allergies.

Guys, even if you don't have a girlfriend - try and work on those highly coveted boyfriend skillz. The "Z" on the end of skill is how we know it's serious business.

Feel free to put that checklist on your fridge with actual gold star stickers. That would make my day life.

I'm out like shoulders in a tube top.

Current mood:

Read more...

I Love Comments! (I Love College Parody)

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 11:31:29 GMT

Well gang, I finally did one.

Yup. A song parody.

It's "I Love College", by Asher Roth for those who haven't heard it...and yes, the beat is sampled from Weezer.

I've been writing and making these up for years, but I gotta say - I owe it to my man Sam for making it cool again.

Anyways, enjoy the song - sorry the audio quality isn't that great, I don't have a real microphone my laptop...plus I had to record the audio on a separate acapella track.

Here are the lyrics:

I'm nice right now...

I feel good...
If you have a link, would you please
... put it on the page?

That blog from last night was awfully crazy I'm glad I wrote it
It took an hour - but I really had to post it
Check my site or scan your feed / now some feedback is all I need
Refresh the page / send some IM's / Go off to bed / then do it again

man I love comments

I wanna get those comments for the rest of my life
write some new blog, get hits on my site
whether it's a thursday or on sunday night
i update my blog get hits left and right

so load my page up - reboot if it's stuck
log in to the page, and go comment nuts
they say I'm the bomb / please guest post
butter on the toast / best blogger on the coast

don't even spam / goes right to the can
if those comments ain't sincere then just don't put em here
Time is getting wasted when you've copy-pasted
woke up today and all I can say is...

That blog from last night was awfully crazy I'm glad I wrote it
It took an hour - but I really had to post it
Check my site or scan your feed / now some feedback is all I need
Refresh the page / send some IM's / Go off to bed / then do it again

Man, I love comments, ay!
I love blogging, ay!
I love traffic, ay!
I love comments...

Now I can't take you to blogging school
but, I can tell you a story or two
Yeah of course I've learned some rules

like don't write blogs if you can't spell
don't get an account on A-O-L

If you use ALL CAPS it's like you yell
if you read a secret, then don't tell
if you can't update , just play freecell

grab a keyboard / nothing wrong with some fun
but if you don't have a life then go get one
time isn't wasted for a graphics facelift
Read my comments and all I can say is...

That blog from last night was awfully crazy I'm glad I wrote it
It took an hour - but I really had to post it
Check my site or scan your feed / now some feedback is all I need
Refresh the page / send some IM's / Go off to bed / then do it again

Man, I love comments, ay!
I love blogging, ay!
I love traffic, ay!
I love comments...

Now if everybody would please
Put a comment on my site...unless it's spam...

And repeat after me

blog! blog! blog! blog!
blog! blog! blog! blog!

Updaaate! Updaaate!
Updaaate! Updaaate!

Post something' crazy! Post something' crazy!
Post something' crazy! Post something' crazy!

Twitter! Faceboook!
Xanga! Myspace!

Man I love comments...
I love 'em!

Alright everybody...I gotta get onto writing my next entry...

Current mood:

Relationship Sabotage!

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 13:23:53 GMT

Being the relationship guru that I am, I usually can tell when people are about to break up way before Facebook tells me.

By the way, I think your "it's complicated" status is dumb. Be in a relationship or don't. Complicated is trying to figure out if you want chicken-fried steak, or steak-grilled chicken. You should know what's going on in your own relationship.

Like I was saying though, a lot of people start to ruin their relationships without even being aware of it - and before they know it, they're eating pints of Ben and Jerry's, watching "Untamed Heart" and playing "Gone" by N'Sync.

I can't let you live your life like that, so I've contacted my half-brothers(who happen to be Ninjas) to help me explain the art of sabotage in a relationship. After all, who better to teach sabotage? Or espionage? Or decoupage?

Okay, maybe not decoupage.

I know, I know. You think your SO is the bee's knees. The cat's pajamas. The Chewbacca or..Chewbecca? To your formerly Han Solo act.

But listen, if you do not understand the importance of time for them to chill with their good friends - you'll end up getting resented by your SO, and hated by their group of friends. This is the beginning of the end...of something. Either your friendships, or your relationship - because your friends WILL try to break up that relationship.

No reason you can't have both...just respect the friends.

"The Lauren/Heidi rift, one of nature's most vicious examples of destruction."

This tactic might seem to be somewhat contradictory to the last one, but examine it closely before you close your browser, storm off in a heat, and have to drink a milkshake and do a Michael Phelps impression to calm yourself down.

I mean go swimming. Duh.

The opposite sex best friend presents a unique challenge to the blossoming relationship.

Why? Two reasons:

1. Nine times out of ten, your opposite sex best friend will not see your new lovebug as "good enough for you."

"Well...they're just looking out for me."

Right, of course. But ninjas know when someone isn't being real, and often, that Opposite se...OSBF feels that way because THEY have feelings for you. Unrequited love...or at least serious "like" is a powerful motivator.

2. The OSBF will make your boy or girlfriend uncomfortable, whether they admit it or not. I don't care if you're cooler than Batman drinking a pina colada slurpee...the OSBF will give you heartburn.

So if you're going to be in a serious relationship, let that OSBF know that you'll have to hang out with them a little less in the future, out of respect for your actual boyfriend or girlfriend.

It doesn't matter how big of a crush you have on your sweetheart, there will almost always be something about them that you don't "get."

"Why do you watch sports so much? It's just a game."
"Why do you have a blog that you write in so often? Do people even read it?"
"Why do you need so many shoes? You already don't wear the ones you have."
"Why do you eat so much raisin bread? Pumpernickel is just as good."
"How come you like comics so much? You're a grown man."

Stop. Stop. Stop. Don't worry about why they enjoy those things so much...unless it really affects your relationship negatively...for example, playing videogames for 48 hours straight...or buying shoes before she pays her rent.

Let them have those things they like - and avoid getting on them about it. Want to earn BONUS cool points? Ask them why they like it, and try to appreciate it with them. Playing videogames with your girlfriend is something every guy thinks is awesome...and guys, who knows - you might enjoy musicals...or raisin bread.

Remember when you first started dating?

You were at the gym four times a week...you brought her flowers just because...you took her to new places for new cuisine...you cooked for him and brought it to his job?

Now eight months in; you've put on 20 pounds of fat, all you do is go to the movies, go to Outback Steakhouse twice a month, and watch "So You Think You Can Dance" on Wednesdays.

Boorrreeee-ing.

Not that there doesn't automatically come a level of "comfort" with a relationship the longer you're in it...but if you wanna keep that relationship minty fresh, you should put effort into how you relate to them. Actively court them, even if you're already "in love."

Everyone needs a "push" or at the very least, some gentle encouragement from time to time. What they do not need, or want, is someone who makes them feel like you are constantly giving orders, and can't escape your plethora of "suggestions."

It might be cute at first to hear "baby can you (insert chore/job/item to buy) for me?" But after a while, it ceases to be a labor of love, and just turns into a labor of ... well, just regular old terrible labor.

Your SO should always be a resource for you...but NOT a bailout. Your name is not AIG, and you need to learn independence. This goes for men too, I've seen you lazy bums hit up your girlfriends for money all too often.

Get it together - while a relationship should have absolutely have sidekickability, you each need to be your own superheroes.

...On the other hand...maybe you WANT to sabotage your relationship so you can escape. No problem, just try #6.

Trust us, Ninjas know assassinations. Need to break out of that black hole death trap of a relationship? Just show them that you are willing to take their life without a second thought.

Don't just do the obvious, easy thing like grabbing a butcher knife or frying pan off of the counter.

I'm talking about leaving websites up on how to plant a car bomb, getting out the rat poison and leaving it on the counter when you're making dinner, and saying things like "you know where would be a good place to stash a dead body?"

If they don't get the hints...or you're too unsure that you can't swing a ninja sword without taking out a vital organ...just hire us...Spidey knows our number.

We're out like the Atkins diet.

Current mood:

Elementary, my dear.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 12:24:29 GMT

Ah, it feels good to back.

...me not writing is like Elmer Fudd without a speech impediment. It's like Heidi and Spencer without drama. It's a rap concert without a fight breaking out.

I can't have it. Even though I've made some new friends recently and have been hitting the gym 3-4 times a week, I will try and do better with making sure I hone my craft right on this here internet page...and hopefully entertain some of you along the way.

Ever sit at your grown up job and think about how much cooler your life was as a kid? No bills, no 40-hour-a-week-job, no unpaid overtime, no facebook drama...the only things you had to worry about were things like - if mom had time to cut the crust off your sandwich when she was making your lunch for school, or if cartoons were gonna be a re-run when you got home.

Once you get outta high school and college though, the rules all change...and life gets significantly less carefree.

Remember the good ol' days? Things like...

"I am rubber you are glue...whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

The ultimate comeback. It will never, ever be topped. Remember, if a kids rule has a rhyme in it - then it is absolutely valid, no questions asked. Johnny Cochrane took this rule and applied it to the courtroom...apparently it worked there too.

"Shirts vs. Skins"

"On second thought, put that bird chest away, we'll play primary vs. secondary colors."

A bunch of elementary school boys need to be split into teams...and you don't have uniforms? No problem, just have half of them take their shirts off.

I guess this could be fun in some instances, like college class projects...but in corporate America, this seems like a potential nightmare.

"Aw yeah. We are so about to bring sexy back."

"Tick tock, game lock"

This particular phrase was indigenous to the East Coast in 90's, I'm not sure if it is still actively used. It's basically a fun way to say "no, you can't play." When you have a good game going, and you see a...less talented/less liked person walking towards the group with the intention of entering, you simply state out loud: "Tick tock, game lock." Thus announcing that this game is "locked" forthwith, and they will have to keep on moving - or at least wait till the game is over.

...Now that I think about it, this is kind of like when companies have hiring freezes.

"This is my line, don't cross it"

Remember riding in the back seat of the car? Ah, nothing like the A/C blasting, some Billy Joel on the car radio, a tiger handheld, some old McDonalds fries in the creases of the seats, and your annoying sibling.

Hmph. I'll show you, annoying sibling!

*INVISIBLE LINE DRAW*

"Cross this line...and I cannot be responsible for my actions, up to and including strangling you with this Polly-O string cheese that I just found."

This always lasted about three to five minutes, before your sibling decided to see if your threat was legitimate...which then would lead to a fight, which may or may not involve someone's loved possession being thrown out of the window...and eventually leading to the blind swinging of the parent driving into the back seat, attempting to injure, along with the almost always empty threat of "I will turn this car around right now!"

Ah, there's nothing quite as fun as that as an adult...I guess a restraining order is the next best thing.

"Sike!"

Man, "sike" was the coolest thing ever. It totally made lying cool...and even funny. There was nothing you could do about getting "siked!"

friend: "Dude, I'll let you have all my nintendo games if you eat this twinkie I found under the bleachers in gym."
you: "Really? Okaaaaaay....NOM NOM NOM..."
friend: "SIKE! LOL! ROFL! I can't believe you ate that! Oh mannnnn!"
you: aw.

There really isn't any cool version of this left..."Punk'd" was really enjoyable for a while though.

"Cross your heart and hope to die?"
(+ optional: "Stick a needle in your eye?")

I guess sometimes people just said "cross your heart", without the "and hope to die" addendum, but really - what power did that have? Adding "stick a needle in your eye" just made it all that much more serious. And graphic. Graphically serious. Kids generally don't have a very complete view of death, but we all know that a needle in your eye would REALLY hurt.

Really.

So there was no such thing as a legit promise if someone didn't cross their heart. That made it serious. Deadly serious. You can't "sike!" on a heart-crossed promise. That puts you somewhere on the level of the mean cafeteria lady, and the kid who let the class hamster out of his cage and subsequently let him die a slow painful death from eating too many pencil shavings.

How could you, Ryan.

We don't get anything as dramatic as heart-crossing as adults, but I'm proud to say I still implement the "pinky-swear." ... and I guess there's notary publics, for those inclined.

"Base!"

As a kid, you always had to be on your guard for something. You didn't want to be "it", you didn't want to be around when chores were assigned, "out", and you especially didn't want to catch a disease...like cooties.

Not a problem for those quick thinkers...all you need to do is define yourself a "base." Touch it, step on it, or stand on it and yell "BASE!" and you were safe from most kid-centric hazards.

Diplomatic immunity is pretty much the same thing. Man, that would be a w e s o m e.

"We want a ______ , not a _____-_____er!"

This phrase took on many forms: "pitcher:belly itcher" , "kicker:boogie picker*", "kisser:lippy misser".
*mostly used during games of "500"
...What? You never heard that last one? Oh. Nevermind then.

Anyways, if enough people made their voice heard, that pitcher had to yield to the voice of the masses and let someone else pitch.

...hmm...kind of like voting...except less rhymey. If voting just had to involve a bunch of people shouting in rhyme, Bush definitely wouldn't have done two terms.

Well this trip down memory lane needs to take a detour somewhere with food, I'm hungry like the wolf.
I'll catch you guys later.

Oh yeah, until next time... "I don't shut up, I grow up - and when I see your face I throw up!"

What were some of your favorite "kid" rules?

Breakin' You Off

Fri, 22 May 2009 12:10:37 GMT

Ah, Springtime / pre-summer...

The time when love starts to blossom.

...or completely go to the waste can.

Well, Spring is the time of new beginnings - so it's nature running its course, I guess.

Relationships can start any number of ways, but oddly enough, breaking up tends to end in one of these classic catastrophes...some more phony than others.

But you don't have to take my word for it!

...wait, yes you do.

LEVAR IS NOT HERE TO BAIL YOU OUT

Without ado further:

Breakin' You Off: Those Classic Breakup Phrases

"It's not you, it's me."

"These flowers...aren't for you. I have eyes for someone else. Also, a nose, ears, and the occasional tongue."

Ahhhh...the old tried and true. If you haven't heard this phrase in your dating career yet, don't worry - you will. Much like the Phantom Menace on DVD, don't buy it. EVEN IF IT IS ON SALE AT TARGET.

It is DEFINITELY you, not them. It just sounds like a great way to avoid hurting someone's feelings. Makes it sound like "you, YOU are perfect...me, I'm just...stale potato chips."

Bogus, cause if they were that awesome - you'd fix whatever you got going on to be with 'em.

Phoniness rating: (5 out of 5 phones)

"I'm getting back together with my ex."

"I've missed you so much...NOM NOM...Mmm...you taste better than a McRib..."

Oooh. Worst-case scenario. While you were trying to keep it together like gorilla glue, the ex was behind the scenes playing your honey like a modded Xbox.

...or not. This is also a great way to make a quick ninja exit, cause it can sound completely legit ... even if they've never brought up an ex.

However, if they DO mention an ex a lot? That's a sign for you to make a slow baserunner and be out.

The reason for the two ratings? Well, girls tend to fall back into familiarity easier than guys - who tend to move on faster. Not always, but generally.

Phoniness rating: (for guys)

Phoniness rating: (for girls)

"I see you more as a friend."

"Aw, you're just the sweetest guy ever! Boyfriend? Oh no, you're too nice for that."

Girls love to say this.

Hearing this phrase is more confusing than the titles of Panic at the Disco songs. It leaves the person thinking things like "wait, isn't friendship the basis for a great relationship anyway?" and "soo...you make out with your friends like me, too? That's...unsettling."

What they are really trying to convey is something like: "You bore me to tears", "you play too many video games", "you never take me out anywhere", "there is a much hotter guy I've been talking to" or "you got really fat in the last 6 months".

Phoniness rating:

"You deserve better than me."

"Who am I talking to on webcam? Uh...my cousin...sister. Sister cousin, twice removed."

This is a super slick way to redirect their feelings of initial resentment, and make it look like you're doing them a favor by cutting them loose. This is really difficult to even say to someone with a straight face. Don't even try this special move unless you're cool under pressure. I mean like Joe Montana with two minutes left, Obi-Wan Kenobi surrounded by droids-type cool.

Seriously, if this was a Street Fighter move, it would be a spinning piledriver.

The only time this is somewhat legit is when the initiator is going through an emo period...or when it's legit...i.e, they have no job.

Phoniness rating:

"We have too much in common"

Granted, familiarity can breed routine/boredom. But 99 times out of 100, there is something else at work here besides "we're overcompatible." Before you let someone break up with you over this, tell them about some completely random hobbies you never told them about, like barrel jumping, or custom cheese making. See if they're up for something new before you bounce like AIG checks.

Phoniness rating:

"I need some time to myself / need to do some soul searching."

"Plus I really gotta learn how to drive that Dragonzord better."

What this typically means is "I need some time away from you...a lot of it...and you won't go away."

"Soul-searching" always sounds deep and inspiring, but what they end up doing is spending one weekend at home, then going out and trying different combinations of alcohol and drugs every night to see which ones mix the best.

Okay, maybe not - but it's rarely ever something that deep. Trust me, Jared and Amanda are not climbing up a mountain to meet any gurus anytime soon. They're much more likely to be going out with friends and meeting Johnny Walker, Captain Morgan, and Jose Cuervo.

Or at the very least playing a lot more video games.

Phoniness rating:

"I'm not really looking for a relationship right now"
(+optional: if I did, it would be with you)

The first part of this isn't actually phony - except for people rarely tell you the truthful reason why they aren't looking for a relationship.

For most guys, what they meant to say was:
"I'm not looking for a relationship with any girl I consider less than a 9.5"
"I just discovered loose women, I need to enjoy this for a while."
"Girls are way less fun than Madden '09."

If a guy tells you this, and you continue to pursue him ladies? Trust me, that is a worse idea than the XFL. Or even the LFL. Argh.

Girls will actually keep it real with this phrase - as they might be in a place where they still need to get over someone, or do some healing.

Phoniness rating: (for guys)

Phoniness rating: (for girls)

"I love you, but I'm not IN love with you."

Alright, this picture has nothing to do that point, I just really wanted to caption that.

...Sorry.

Anyways, love is a pretty rare thing. Seriously. Like Kim Kardashian finding pants that fit, rare.

Chances are, they might not have loved you in the first place - they just thought they did, plus it sounded cool. "Love" is just so much smoother sounding. No one really writes songs with lyrics like "Oooh girl I really really like you a whole bunnnnchhhhhhhh"

"Girl I'm mildly attracted to you and I like sleeping overrrr plus you make good pancaaaaakes"

Don't worry about it though, you'll find love before you know it.

Probably in a cereal box, or a happy meal.

Phoniness rating:

"There's someone else."

"I haven't found them yet, but I KNOW there's someone else."

Truth or not, nothing stings like this phrase. Except for maybe hornets. I've never been stung by a hornet, but man those things scare the student loans outta me.

Girls are less likely to be phony with this, since they're just waaay better at hiding things. If there's another guy, you won't know until it's too late.

Meh. She's his problem now. It's almost summer, time to find a new jawn!

Phoniness rating: (for guys)

Phoniness rating: (for girls)

Speaking of summer, now that re-runs are on TV, I should be on the interweb more.

I'm out like buns at a barbeque.

What's your favorite / most hated / fallback breakup line?

Current mood:

What are you doing on May 15th??

Fri, 08 May 2009 20:29:44 GMT

Oh yeah, that's right.

You're playing XOOKY.

What? You don't know what that is? READ UP.

"I pity the fool who try to dance battle T! Also, the fool who don't play Xooky!"

I promise, some posts soon...I've been trying to get my groove back.

...and no, I will not consult Stella.

Your job is to take next Friday off to play Xooky!

I'm out like the second step of the hokey pokey.

Current mood:

Up-Date (Part 1 - the Do's)

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 12:05:34 GMT

Hey! Let me be the first coolest person to officially welcome you to Springtime.

Yup, it's finally here. If you're in the northeast like me, you probably have had your fill of gray skies and 35 degree days.

Now, it's finally Spring. Warmth. Sun. Outdoors. Socializing. Walks in the park...

...Dating.

...dating? Yes. No one wants to go outside in the freezing cold - that's when you just wanna stay in and cuddle by a fire.

...or at least one of those tissue paper thingys with an orange light pointed at it and the heater on.
You know what I'm talking about.

If you don't have someone to cuddle with, then there's always Matthew Fox on Wednesday nights.
Or Master Chief, anytime he's ready to do battle.

"So buddy...what are we doing later?"

So whether you're meeting someone new, or you need a spark in your all-too-routine relationship, it's time to put Connect Four on a Stairmaster and step your game up.

Here's some tips on how to date better. Now I know the economy is bad, but it's free to pay attention.

How to Up-Date

(does anyone else get the irony in the title?)

Men - DO:
• Get a haircut
• Clean your car
• Wear clean/nice shoes
• Shave your face
• Wait for her patiently to get ready, do NOT hustle her or honk your car horn.
• Compliment her sincerely, but don't overdo it.
• Pay for dinner. Seriously guys, "forgetting your wallet" or saying "can you get this till I get paid?" is a one-way ticket to Singletown, USA.
• Your best gentleman impression. Open doors, pull out chairs, offer to share, etc.
• Take her someplace she probably hasn't been - but check for what she doesn't eat, first.
• Make sure your grillz are shiny.

Women - DO:
• Accept his compliments graciously - do not react sarcastically. "Me? A model? Pfft! You need to get your eyes checked."
• Let him pay if he offers. If you continue to date, you can split it at another time.
• Give him the benefit of the doubt - often women start to analyze and compare men to other men they've dated far too quickly.
• Avoid voicing your negative reactions at the start; i.e "ooh I hate football", "chinese food is so gross", "math is SO boring", "ugh, kids are SO annoying." Guys pick up on negative vibes, and he may be thinking that you're judging him. Or worse, you may be offending him without realizing it.
• Allow him to feel like the man - hold onto his arm, lean on his shoulder, hold his hand if you're scared at the movies...or even if you aren't really.

Long Term Relationship Up-Dating
(for those who have been dating quite a while)

"So, when we get home - tickle fight, then Dance-Dance Revolution battle?"
- "only if you're up for getting smoked again!"

1. Routine Breakin' - After a while, lots of relationships often end up suffering from paralyzing, boring routine. Heroes on Monday, Scrabble and bill paying on Tuesdays, Lost on Wednesdays, The Office on Thursdays, Pizza on Fridays, sleeping all day Saturday, brunch on Sunday afternoon, and HBO Sunday night.

Now, there's nothing wrong with routine. It's comforting. It's cushy. It's easy.

But now and again, sometimes you want strawberry jelly rather than grape...you want sour cream and onion, not just BBQ...the routine becomes yawn-inducing. So change it up. Stop going to the same places and doing the same things on the regular. Here's some suggestions for things you may not have tried. Most of them are wallet-friendly too. I know you're broke...it's okay.

- Picnics (pick a random location)
- Minor league sports (cheaper, less crowded, quieter...you can teach them the game)
- Local shows/bands/theater
- Arcades (competing is always fun...plus everyone likes Skee-ball and air hockey, right?)
- Make up a scavenger hunt (use camera phones!)
- Take a day trip to some place you've never been...2 hours in the car max, overly long car trips can lead to "nothing fights".

2. Nostaligize - Now typically I tell people to avoid getting overly nostalgic...It can end up with you going back to something you remembered as great, when in actuality, it wasn't. (Ever go back now and play DOS games? Not as fun, right?) But when you've been with someone a long time, sometimes you forget all those things that made you happy in the start of the relationship. Romantic dates, Power Ranger marathons, roller skating, sneaking into movies, making out in dressing rooms, wrestlemania 14 re-enactments...whatever. Re-capture that fun.

3. Share/Get new hobbies - Now most couples typically have some tastes in common, and some that are wildly different.

"Oh, you like video games? ... I like starting bar fights!"
"You like kung fu movies? That's cool! I like...macrame and blogging!"

"Wait, what do you mean you like BLOGGING? ...You're weird."

The main point here is to not let your separate interests remain totally separate all the time. Granted, certain things you might never learn to appreciate, but most of the time I find that couples who try to learn about what the other person likes, and why they like it, end up becoming a fan themselves. My mom will watch football and scream just like me and my dad...now, she may not know the difference between an I-formation and a Trips formation, but she still enjoys the game, and mostly sharing the experience with us. So give musicals a chance, or sports, or kung-fu movies, or literature...you might like it.

But if you still can't get into each other's hobbies, then find some new ones. Salsa dancing, painting, fencing, brewing beer, cloning animals, trying to take over the world...whatever it is you kids do nowadays.

Well I could keep going, but I have this thing called a "job" I guess I should prepare for. Blech.

Up-date part 2, the "Don'ts", coming soon. I promise promise.